Theatrical Review: Don't Breathe (2016)

"The hype surrounding this movie is mostly real."

(aka It's Cold in Tha D)

Release Date: August 26th.

Country: USA

Rating: R

Written by: Fede Alvarez and Rodo Sayagues.

Directed by: Fede Alvarez.

Starring: Jane Levy, Stephen Lang, Dylan Minette, and Daniel Zovatto.



When unknown Urugayan director Fede Alvarez signed on to direct a remake of the Sam Raimi classic, The Evil Dead, we just knew it was going to suck. I mean, how do you remake such a beloved, gritty Horror movie in this day and age of glossy, over-sanitized shit? Surely just about everything that made the original (and its sequels) so great would be lost in translation, right?



Well, no.



The Evil Dead remake not only didn't suck, but it was surprisingly awesome. What Fede Alvarez did with that movie still has us scratching our heads, because his version of Evil Dead was lean, mean, bloody, and all kinds of compelling. Read our review HERE.



Turns out that his sophomore effort, Don't Breathe, is also lean and mean, and it does the whole Home Invasion thing to near perfection.

Rocky, Money, and Alex are three Detroit hoodrats who make up a burglary crew that rob houses that have security systems installed by Alex's dad. Rocky is hot, and dreams of moving she and her baby sister, Diddy, to California to escape their shitty, Whiskey Tango lives; her boyfriend, Money, is just about as scummy as his street name implies; and Alex is the nice one who loves Rocky, but Money ain't letting him get with his bitch, yo.

YES, YOU REALLY HAVE TO CALL HIM "MONEY."

When they learn of an old, blind Army Veteran living in a ramshackle house in an all-but-deserted neighborhood (who supposedly has $300k stashed in his house somewhere), they decide to rob him, and use the money to start new lives. Why someone would keep that much money in a house in a bad Detroit neighborhood, and not in a bank, makes no sense to us at all, but what do we know.

LIKE THEY WERE PLANNING ON SCREAMING OR SOMETHING?

They case the joint and break in, only to find the old blind man not quite as feeble and helpless as they had hoped. We don't want to spoil what happens next for you here, but suffice it to say that when an old, blind dude lives alone in a bad neighborhood, you should probably ask yourself why. *Because he's the creepiest dude in the city, that's why.



A botched home invasion ensues.

LITERALLY, DON'T BREATHE.

We really liked Don't Breathe, and I gave it an A grade overall, but I don't want to oversell it too much. The characterization was pretty shallow, and some of the things that those characters did felt to me like plot devices to keep the movie going at times, but overall this is a tight little Thriller that worked on just about every level. It could have been perfect with some tweaking, but it's close enough as is.



It's a short movie, clocking in at about 88 minutes, but because of that short run-time, it never really drags or loses any steam. It's a pretty straight-forward, intense, punch to the gut kind of a movie, and the way that Fede Alvarez pulled it off was pretty impressive. We kind of felt some sympathy for the thieves in this one, although their skeevy asses were robbing a blind dude with a sad life story, so maybe we didn't like them all that much. Then again, we felt bad for the blind guy, being a lonely war veteran who just tragically lost his daughter, being at the mercy of three thieves woo want his money... although about halfway through, everything gets flipped on its ass and we learn that maybe he's not such a nice guy either.



The twisty "Who in the hell are we supposed to be rooting for?" dynamic played with our heads throughout this one, and made for a clever storyline.



Jane Levy rocks. We love that girl, and she was great in this one, even if her hoodrat character was a bit shady and self-serving. It was the ever-awesome Stephen Lang though who stole the show in Don't Breathe. He's been an excellent character actor since the 80's who has seen his star rise in recent years (thanks mostly to Avatar, we imagine), and it's well-deserved. The guy plays scary and intense as well as just about anyone does, and he made for a formidable foe in this one.

HE WAS GREAT IN SALEM, TOO.

The one thing that really irked me about this movie is that a few of the thieves had different chances to escape or get away clean, and didn't. Instead, they have to save someone; or Jane Levy has to taunt the old man instead of running, multiple times, which leads to her not being able to escape...



That kind of plot-device shit drives me insane, and it makes me look at the characters like they're idiots. 

RUN, DUMMY!

As someone who lives riiiight outside of Detroit, I have to say that the depiction of the city was a bit unfair in this movie. Sure, there are shitty parts of Detroit that look like Beirut after a heavy bombing, but there are also alot of nice neighborhoods too. There's not a state in this country that doesn't have the same kind of blight going on (usually in poor sections of major cities), but every movie I see lately that features Detroit makes it look like the crack of Satan's asshole... and it is, in sections, but man, give it a rest.



Someone posted online, in reference to this movie "Who would actually live in a neighborhood like that?!?" I don't know, dickhead, maybe someone who can't afford to move, even though they'd love nothing more? Some people are born into certain neighborhoods and lack the tools to get themselves out. Even more crazy is that there are some people who love their shitty neighborhoods, and try like hell to make them better. That's a losing battle in some ways, but I have to admire their pluck.



There are lots of good people in The D, and yeah, some of the neighborhoods they live in are downright scary, but it's not all like that.



End rant.

DUDES LIKE MONEY EXIST THOUGH. REAL TALK.

There's definitely some violence throughout this one, but it's that damn turkey baster scene that had us wincing...

YEAH, US TOO, JANE.

Not that kind of flick at all.

SIGH...

Fede Alvarez is for real. Also, whomever came up with names like Money, Diddy, and Rocky for the characters in this movie needs to stop coming up with names for characters in movies. That's really the best they could come up with?

YEAH, YOU HAVE STUPID NAMES.

Don't Breathe may not be "the best Horror movie of the last decade" like some critics would have you believe, but it is a really good one, and it's definitely one of the best of 2016. If nothing else, it's a good reason to take a trip to the theater and get some popcorn with extra butter. And Raisinets. 



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Don't Breathe is in theaters now.

Oh, Jane Levy. How we adore thee.

VOD Review: De Palma (2016)

"A great look inside the mind of a master filmmaker."

Hitchcock, Carpenter, Romero, Craven, Cronenberg, Argento, Fulci, Bava. Those are the names that come to mind when we think of directors that not only influenced the Horror Genre, but actually created it.



You can add names like Raimi, Hooper, Dante, Miike, and Coscarelli to that list, and they'd belong, but if you do, you had better not forget about Brian De Palma.



De Palma made a few Horror Films, but he's far more famous for his more mainstream efforts like Scarface, The Untouchables, Carlito's Way, and Mission: Impossible.



For us though, he's the guy that gave us the Giallo-esque, sexually-charged Dressed to Kill; the Rocky Horror-like oddity of Phantom of the Paradise; and the sleazy exploitation of Body Double. And of course as Horror fans, Carrie holds a special place in our hearts, as does The Fury.



The man can do any Genre, but he knows how to construct a Thriller better than just about anyone else. Visually, he uses split-screen, forced perspective, 360 degree pans, and crazy long tracking shots to tell his stories. He understands timing and rhythm better than most, and his work, for better or worse, has a unique feel all its own.  



He's Hollywood Royalty, but he's most definitely the black sheep of the family.

De Palma is a documentary that features the famed director sitting in front of a camera and talking about his career for nearly two hours. From his early days making Indie flicks with a pre-fame Robert De Niro, all the way through his latest effort (as of the shooting of this Doc), Passion, De Palma talks candidly about his ups and downs (both personal and professionally), and the rigors of the Hollywood Machine.



It's a pretty simple set-up, but it's all compelling as hell. 

"FUCK HOLLYWOOD."

As Documentaries go, De Palma is about as entertaining as it gets.



I've been massive fan of De Palma's since I saw Scarface when I was a wee lad, and throughout the years, his movies grabbed me in a special way. It was great to hear the man talk about how hard it was to make those movies in such a candid and easy-gong way. He seems like a nice guy that you'd want to have some beers with, which makes me love his movies even more.



He talks about how Orson Welles couldn't remember his lines to save his life; he also talks about how Robert De Niro refused to learn his lines on The Untouchables, and what a pain in the ass that was to deal with; he talks about how Cliff Robertson was an asshole, and tried to sabotage a co-star; he talks about his father cheating on his mother, and how that played into Dressed to Kill; he shared a story about Sean Penn and Michael J. Fox that makes me view Casualties of War, and how far Penn will go with his method acting, in a different light.



Directors Noah Bumbach and Jake Paltrow give De Palma free reign with his words, but they keep it all tight on the editing and pacing front. I never once wanted to fast-forward, and when it was all over, I wanted to hear more of Brian De Palma's stories. I just know he's got more.

LIKE A BOSS.

• "After The French Connection, there are no car chases."


• "The thing about teaching filmmaking is that most of them (students) aren't going to go anywhere. If you have a career it's a miracle"


• "You're battling a very difficult system (Hollywood), and all the values of that system are the opposite of what goes into making original, good movies."


• "It's all an X to me. "


• "Holy Mackerel!"

MASTER FILMMAKER.

If you love movies, and especially Brian De Palma's movies, then this Doc is one hell of a way to spend two hours. Definitely give this one a rent.



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De Palma is available now on VOD, and hits Blu-ray & DVD on September 13th.

Here are some scenes from some of De Palma's best movies.

TV Review: Stranger Things (Season 1)

"The worst thing about this show is that it was over way too quick."

(aka John Carpenter's E.T.)

Release Date: July 15th.

Country: USA.

Rating: NR.

Written by: Matt and Ross Duffer.

Directed by: Matt and Ross Duffer.

Starring: Winona Ryder, David Harbour, Matthew Modine, Finn Wolfhard, Millie Bobby Brown, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Natalia Dyer, and Charlie Heaton.



Stranger Things is a love letter to the 80's. We grew up in the 80's, so the Dungeons & Dragons gaming sessions, the infectious pop music, the rotary phones, and TV antennas felt like a snapshot of our past to us.



In a way, we were the kids in this show. We were way cooler (obviously), but we played D&D, rode our bikes all over the place, and were totally afraid to talk to girls. Alright, fine. Maybe we were awkward too, but we're cool now. We think.



Even though we're going to keep things as vague as possible, mild spoilers do follow.

Hawkins, Indiana, 1983: After a particularly harrowing all-day session of Dungeons & Dragons in which Demogorgon lays waste to the entire party when one of the players rolls a shitty 7 (all you needed was a 13!), four middle school friends call it a night and part ways. One of them, Will, never makes it home.

"HAVE FUN NOT MAKING IT HOME."

Will's mother, Joyce, is frantic the next morning when she realizes her kid never made it home, and heads off to report him missing to the local Chief of Police, Hopper. He, along with everyone else, thinks that Joyce is crazy, because she kind of is, and so they aren't sure whether to believe her or not.

I WONDER IF SHE HAS CALL-WAITING?

Will's friends are worried, and since no one else is making any progress finding him, they decide to take matters into their own hands, and search the woods for him. What they find instead is a little girl in a hospital gown with a shaved head, and a penchant for remaining silent, named Eleven.



And that's all we're saying.

YEAH, THINGS GET STRANGE.

From the get-go, Stranger Things did not feel perfect to us. The story felt all too safe and familiar; the acting was cheesy at times (calm down, Winona!); and even the cast felt odd at first, as most of the kids weren't your cookie-cutter, good-looking Disney types (which was a really good thing, btw); but man did it ever pull us into its world and keep us engaged through its entire 8 Episode run.



Stranger Things is a show that is deeply rooted in the 80's, and not just because it takes place then; it feels like E.T. and The Goonies meets The Monster Squad, with a bit of old-school John Carpenter flair thrown in to make it darker. It also had obvious nods to Alien, and it reminded us of Silent Hill more than once, so really, it's a bunch of things thrown into one big, 80's-centric pot that made us nostalgia in a big way.



Had "Steven Spielberg and John Carpenter Presents" popped up during the opening credits, it wouldn't have shocked us at all.

US, CIRCA 1983.

As nostalgic and comfy as the word of Stranger Things feels, there's a steady stream of darkness and danger that runs through it, which makes it much more than some kid-friendly throwback. The monster is real (and creepy as hell); Eleven is dangerous, and we're never sure just who she's going to take her anger out on; and the proverbial "men in black" are a real threat who kill indiscriminately to cover their tracks and get back what is theirs.



It's all very dire, and as sweet as it can be, it's all very serious.



It was also over far too quick, and it left us hanging on a few plot points that have us really hoping that Netflix gives it a Season 2. Seriously, the waffles!

IS THAT A OUIJA BOARD PAINTED ON THE WALL?

Violence aplenty in this one, but the gore factor is low.

WINONA WENT DARK IN THIS ONE...

There's a bit of sex, but nothing gratuitous at all.

THE PANGS OF FIRST LOVE ARE APLENTY THOUGH.

One of the coolest things about Stranger Things is how it uses 80's music to accent its story. It's like an awesome mix-tape. Our faves were:



Should I Stay or Should I Go (The Clash)

Africa (TOTO)

I Melt With You (Modern English)

Waiting For a Girl Like You (Foreigner)

Sunglasses at Night (Corey Hart)

*GOONIES THEME SONG INTENSIFIES*

Sentimental, intense, nostalgic and creepy, Stranger Things took us by total surprise. It's one of the best things that we've seen all Summer, and we can't wait to see the story continue in Season 2. There's going to be a Season 2, right?



If you have Netflix, stream this bad boy asap.



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Stranger Things is streaming on Netflix now.

From the I we saw her in Lucas, Winona Ryder was one of my biggest crushes as a kid. She's still beautiful today.