Theatrical Review: Don't Breathe (2016)

"The hype surrounding this movie is mostly real."

(aka It's Cold in Tha D)

Release Date: August 26th.

Country: USA

Rating: R

Written by: Fede Alvarez and Rodo Sayagues.

Directed by: Fede Alvarez.

Starring: Jane Levy, Stephen Lang, Dylan Minette, and Daniel Zovatto.



When unknown Urugayan director Fede Alvarez signed on to direct a remake of the Sam Raimi classic, The Evil Dead, we just knew it was going to suck. I mean, how do you remake such a beloved, gritty Horror movie in this day and age of glossy, over-sanitized shit? Surely just about everything that made the original (and its sequels) so great would be lost in translation, right?



Well, no.



The Evil Dead remake not only didn't suck, but it was surprisingly awesome. What Fede Alvarez did with that movie still has us scratching our heads, because his version of Evil Dead was lean, mean, bloody, and all kinds of compelling. Read our review HERE.



Turns out that his sophomore effort, Don't Breathe, is also lean and mean, and it does the whole Home Invasion thing to near perfection.

Rocky, Money, and Alex are three Detroit hoodrats who make up a burglary crew that rob houses that have security systems installed by Alex's dad. Rocky is hot, and dreams of moving she and her baby sister, Diddy, to California to escape their shitty, Whiskey Tango lives; her boyfriend, Money, is just about as scummy as his street name implies; and Alex is the nice one who loves Rocky, but Money ain't letting him get with his bitch, yo.

YES, YOU REALLY HAVE TO CALL HIM "MONEY."

When they learn of an old, blind Army Veteran living in a ramshackle house in an all-but-deserted neighborhood (who supposedly has $300k stashed in his house somewhere), they decide to rob him, and use the money to start new lives. Why someone would keep that much money in a house in a bad Detroit neighborhood, and not in a bank, makes no sense to us at all, but what do we know.

LIKE THEY WERE PLANNING ON SCREAMING OR SOMETHING?

They case the joint and break in, only to find the old blind man not quite as feeble and helpless as they had hoped. We don't want to spoil what happens next for you here, but suffice it to say that when an old, blind dude lives alone in a bad neighborhood, you should probably ask yourself why. *Because he's the creepiest dude in the city, that's why.



A botched home invasion ensues.

LITERALLY, DON'T BREATHE.

We really liked Don't Breathe, and I gave it an A grade overall, but I don't want to oversell it too much. The characterization was pretty shallow, and some of the things that those characters did felt to me like plot devices to keep the movie going at times, but overall this is a tight little Thriller that worked on just about every level. It could have been perfect with some tweaking, but it's close enough as is.



It's a short movie, clocking in at about 88 minutes, but because of that short run-time, it never really drags or loses any steam. It's a pretty straight-forward, intense, punch to the gut kind of a movie, and the way that Fede Alvarez pulled it off was pretty impressive. We kind of felt some sympathy for the thieves in this one, although their skeevy asses were robbing a blind dude with a sad life story, so maybe we didn't like them all that much. Then again, we felt bad for the blind guy, being a lonely war veteran who just tragically lost his daughter, being at the mercy of three thieves woo want his money... although about halfway through, everything gets flipped on its ass and we learn that maybe he's not such a nice guy either.



The twisty "Who in the hell are we supposed to be rooting for?" dynamic played with our heads throughout this one, and made for a clever storyline.



Jane Levy rocks. We love that girl, and she was great in this one, even if her hoodrat character was a bit shady and self-serving. It was the ever-awesome Stephen Lang though who stole the show in Don't Breathe. He's been an excellent character actor since the 80's who has seen his star rise in recent years (thanks mostly to Avatar, we imagine), and it's well-deserved. The guy plays scary and intense as well as just about anyone does, and he made for a formidable foe in this one.

HE WAS GREAT IN SALEM, TOO.

The one thing that really irked me about this movie is that a few of the thieves had different chances to escape or get away clean, and didn't. Instead, they have to save someone; or Jane Levy has to taunt the old man instead of running, multiple times, which leads to her not being able to escape...



That kind of plot-device shit drives me insane, and it makes me look at the characters like they're idiots. 

RUN, DUMMY!

As someone who lives riiiight outside of Detroit, I have to say that the depiction of the city was a bit unfair in this movie. Sure, there are shitty parts of Detroit that look like Beirut after a heavy bombing, but there are also alot of nice neighborhoods too. There's not a state in this country that doesn't have the same kind of blight going on (usually in poor sections of major cities), but every movie I see lately that features Detroit makes it look like the crack of Satan's asshole... and it is, in sections, but man, give it a rest.



Someone posted online, in reference to this movie "Who would actually live in a neighborhood like that?!?" I don't know, dickhead, maybe someone who can't afford to move, even though they'd love nothing more? Some people are born into certain neighborhoods and lack the tools to get themselves out. Even more crazy is that there are some people who love their shitty neighborhoods, and try like hell to make them better. That's a losing battle in some ways, but I have to admire their pluck.



There are lots of good people in The D, and yeah, some of the neighborhoods they live in are downright scary, but it's not all like that.



End rant.

DUDES LIKE MONEY EXIST THOUGH. REAL TALK.

There's definitely some violence throughout this one, but it's that damn turkey baster scene that had us wincing...

YEAH, US TOO, JANE.

Not that kind of flick at all.

SIGH...

Fede Alvarez is for real. Also, whomever came up with names like Money, Diddy, and Rocky for the characters in this movie needs to stop coming up with names for characters in movies. That's really the best they could come up with?

YEAH, YOU HAVE STUPID NAMES.

Don't Breathe may not be "the best Horror movie of the last decade" like some critics would have you believe, but it is a really good one, and it's definitely one of the best of 2016. If nothing else, it's a good reason to take a trip to the theater and get some popcorn with extra butter. And Raisinets. 



A



Don't Breathe is in theaters now.

Oh, Jane Levy. How we adore thee.

Throwback Review: The Red Riding Trilogy (2009)

*This review was originally posted by us back in 2013, and while watching through the disc again this week, it felt right to clean it up and re-post it. It's that damn good.

Red Riding is a UK mini-series which is made up of 3 film-length episodes, each helmed by different directors, with varied run times



In the Year of Our Lord (1974) 1 hour, 42 min., shot on 16mm film with an AR of 16x9

In the Year of Our Lord (1980) 1 hour, 33 min., shot on 35mm film with an AR of 2:35:1

In the Year of Our Lord (1983) 1 hour, 45 min., shot on a Red One digital camera.



So what we basically have here is a 5-hour long story that unfolds over the course of nine years, and involves killers, pedos and corrupt Cops destroying a multitude of lives, all while painting a rather bleak picture of Northern England.



Alright. We're in.

We're going to keep this as detail-free as possible, so as to avoid spoilers.



A "Riding" is a jurisdiction/electoral district in a commonwealth. Red Riding is set in Yorkshire, England, which boasts North, West, and East ridings, and apparently has a metaphorical Red riding as well. I'm assuming this last riding is "Red" because of blood and murder and such.



1974- When a young girl goes missing, Yorkshire Post cub reporter Eddie Dunford (Spiderman) is determined to get to the truth behind the disappearance. He eventually learns of more missing girls, and when one shows up dead at a construction site run by local magnate John Dawson (Eddark Stark from Game of Thrones), he begins to suspect foul play! He also bangs the chick from Downton Abbey, and the grieving mother of one of the missing girls. As his investigation into the disappearances/murders gets deeper and deeper, he's beaten up by the Cops and goes completely off the fucking rails.



Shit does not end well.

HE FANCIES A PINT WITH HIS EVIL GLARES.

1980- The Yorkshire Ripper is still at large, and with his current tally of 13 victims, he's making the Coppers look like fools. Called in to help investigate, AC Paddy Considine comes to believe that the Ripper's hooker-victims and the murders of the young girls are unrelated, which makes most of his peers hate him. He begins to receive threatening phone calls in the wee hours of the morning, and tries to bang his partner. As his investigation into the murders gets deeper and deeper, he realizes that being a Copper in the North sucks.



Shit does not end well.

"U WOT MATE? I'LL HOOK YOU RIGHT IN THE GABBER, I SWEAR ON ME MUM!"

1983- Another young girl has gone missing in the West riding of Yorkshire, and DS Jobson (The Governor from The Walking Dead) is on the case. He's a bit of a shady dick, but he's all we 'ave, 'innit he? Meanwhile, a portly, half-assed Solicitor named Piggot (King Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones) is hired to represent a possibly-framed man, and he starts investigating shit like a bloodhound. Soon, everyone is investigating shit, and as their inquiries get deeper and deeper, they all realize that Northern England is a shady, creepy-ass place to live. Or visit.



Shit ends kinda well.

HE'S PROBABLY INNOCENT.

It's hard to compare Red Riding to another TV show or movie, but in the interest of giving the uninitiated an idea about what to expect here, I'd say it's reminiscent of Zodiac with a twist of something like Ripper Street. Maybe. It's a dark, bleak, story of a serial killer and the men who are determined to bring him to justice. Most of the Cops are crooked in this one, which adds a layer of political corruption to the proceedings. It's almost like it's an anti-Cop mini-series.



Once you've seen all three parts, and the story comes full circle, it's pretty epic. When you finally know everything and really think about what these murdered kids went through, it's downright chilling. It's all rather effective and engrossing, and was a much-welcomed surprise for us.



Aside from its strong plot and realistic setting, there's also a wealth of superb acting talent on display in this series. Red Riding is filled with faces that are familiar to audiences world-wide:

DON'T DISMISS ANDREW GARFIELD AS MERELY THE GUY WHO PLAYS SPIDERMAN, BECAUSE DUDE CAN ACT. HE SHINES IN THIS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW PADDY CONSADINE ISN'T A BIGGER STAR. HE'S GOT CRAZY PRESENCE.

PETER MULLAN IS ONE OF THE MOST INTENSE ACTORS ON THE PLANET. HE''S ALSO CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED.

KING ROBERT BARATHEON! MARK ADDY IS A GREAT ACTOR WITH RANGE THAT GOES FAR BEYOND HIS GOT CHARACTER.

IT'S NICE TO SEE DAVID MORRISSEY GETTING SOME INTERNATIONAL LOVE FOR HIS ROLE ON THE WALKING DEAD. HE'S BEEN A FAVE OF OURS FOR YEARS.

ROBERT SHEEHAN IS ONE HELL OF AN ACTOR, AND IS PROBABLY THE MOST UNDERRATED AND UNKNOWN OF THE ENTIRE CAST, AT LEAST IN AMERICA.

SEAN BEAN: THE BEST ACTOR WHO DIES IN 90% OF WHATEVER HE STARS IN. HE'S WORLD CLASS IN OUR BOOK.

 

Though Red Riding is presented to us in three parts -1974, 1980, and 1983- the book series that it's based off of is a quartet, and there's a chapter of the story set in 1977 that was not a part of this mini-series. Now, I've not read the books, so I'm not sure if the material from In the Year of Our Lord (1977) was worked into the other three parts, or just skipped altogether, but dammit I would have gladly sat through a 90+ minute episode based on 1977.

MORE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE BY US.

There's a rumor out there that Colombia Pictures bought the right to turn the Red Riding books/movies into a feature film... and I'm here to say that there is absolutely no need for that to happen at all. The Red Riding Trilogy is more fine the way it is, and I can't imagine any remake, especially if it's just one feature-length film, doing the existing story any Justice whatsoever.



Why does every foreign property of worth have to be remade for American audiences anyway? I know that by and large, the American audience can't stand having to read subtitles, which I think is pretty sad. This is a British production, in which they speak English, so what's the problem with just distributing it to American audiences, and letting us enjoy it in all its splendor, instead of remaking it?



There should be a 20-year rule for remakes. Period.

OUR THOUGHTS EXACTLY, LADS.

This one really isn't about the gore, although there is plenty of violence and some murders to be had here. And torture. And dead bodies of children with swan wings sewn into their backs. It really is filled will all sorts of disturbing things.

HE'S SEEN SOME SHIT...

Aside from some naked nudie-mag pictures, most of the sexuality here is implied. Mostly, it's just Spiderman's naked ass that ends up on display.

SHE'S SO LOVELY.

"Never did one good thing did I?"

"This is the North. We do what we want."

"They�ve got sunshine down South and a warm summer breeze. We should just go there right now and never come back."

THE KRAYS ARE STILL ALIVE?!?

They do what they want in the North, and you'd better shut the hell up about it. Also, standard British TV fare is filled with some superb acting talent.

LOOK OUT! THAT SWAN IS COMING STRAIGHT FOR YOU!

Red Riding is one of the best TV mini-series that we've ever seen. It's totally engaging and absorbing, it's filled with great actors who all turn in solid performances, and it's disturbing as hell. It's not a perfect series, but for us it was a perfect experience that we'll be happy to revisit on a regular basis.



This is something you should definitely experience for yourselves. 



A+

Red Riding definitely delivered some 70's hotness for our viewing pleasure, in the form of Rebecca Hall and Michelle Dockery.